In the evening last week I went to the park near my house to have a cigarette and while I was there I realized how long it had been since I’d been there. It was really dark and all I could hear was the buzz of the florescent lights and I looked across the field and realized that this winter they didn’t put up the man made hockey rink. So I was thinking, why didn’t they? And I’m thinking that this represents the disintegration of my childhood. I remember I used to go to that hockey rink with my best friend who lived across the street and we would spend hours there doing nothing but use our imaginations. I never realized it until yesterday but that park holds so many of my memories from childhood with friends that are no longer here anymore, literally and figuratively. I used to spend the whole day in that park with my friends; riding bikes, playing on the playground, catching moths, running around with my friends dogs, going for walks after dinner and having serious conversations with my best friend, seeing how far we could kick our shoes off our feet, watching people golf when there was a sign that said “no golfing.” I used to spend nights there too; sneaking onto the empty school bus parked in the school parking lot, going for midnight walks, going to watch baseball at the baseball fields and once I got older, using the park to smoke and drink. The park was kind of my get away from home, I went there all the fucking time and almost every time I went I was with my best friend, hell I think we even went there to check out guys too. When I was there it was weird to see how everything in my life had changed from those years. I always wonder what it would be like if my friend was still around and we still went there whenever we had the time. I always wonder how my life would be different if I still had parts of my past, I do this a lot and that’s just how I am. I live in the past and the future – never in the present, but I’m trying too.
In the park I realized a lot of experiences in my life have been along the lines of having something really great and then having it being taken away from me for reasons that are sometimes my fault and sometimes out of my control. I try my best to not take things for granted anymore and to let people know that I appreciate what they do for me because you never know when you won’t have that opportunity anymore, it’s like what Joni Mitchell said, “Don’t it always seem to go that you don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone.” I know this is cliché, but the reason it’s a cliché is because it’s the truth and if you still think I’m wrong, just wait until you have a moment where you realize it. There comes a point however, where one gives up believing that they have control over situations in their life. There used to be a point in my life where I believed that to be true but now I know I don’t have control over some things that happen in my life and I’ve accepted that – but I think what’s most important is knowing what you have control over and what you don’t, because if you can’t differentiate between the two you put yourself through a lot of unnecessary suffering.
Here’s a drawing I made to help you on your way to understanding the idea of control:
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